My Reputation…Dare I Say It? Yes, In Haiku Form.

Today’s post comes to you from The Daily Prompt, which asks:  “Do you have a reputation? What is it, and where did it come from? Is it accurate? What do you think about it?”  I have chosen to answer these questions in the form of haiku, accompanied by illustrative diagrams.  Enjoy!

Since I have five cats
And you have only one, I
state proudly, “I WIN!”

Litter in my bed,
My derby name reflects this:
“Gritty Cat”, crunch crunch.

Two plus three is five
And I was the one with two.
Spouse: Crazy Cat Guy.

I love to snuzzle
and pet my fuzzy fur bombs
Crap, they make me sneeze.

Clothes covered with hair,
White on black, black on white. But
I still want these pants.

“Achooo!  I love you!”
We don’t care, clean our poop box!
We command you, girl.

It’s 2 am; do
you really need food now? Yes,
we will starve to death.
kitty2

At least I’m not allergic to Lucky Charms

Yesterday I was a happier person.  Albeit, I was a person who sneezed and sniffled and had a nose so itchy I wanted to rip it off my face and throw it on the ground, (like so, below) but I was happier.  I was a person who was not diagnosed as being allergic to anything.

threw-it-on-the-ground

Which I thought was odd, since my nose was determined to become the slimiest creature on earth, a title which is technically owned by eels, who produce the most slime per unit body mass of any other animal on earth.  Why, nose, why go for such a title?  How about something a little less mucousy and sneezy?  I argued with my nose about the issue, but she was not having any of it.  Hence, yesterday I took myself down to the allergy center to get tested so that I could potentially dash my nose’s dreams of becoming permanently disgusting.

You might notice that allergen 2 seems to be a lot angrier than the control (-) or allergen 1.  Can you guess what it is that I am allergic to?  I will give you five guesses (that’s your hint, btw).

So let’s start over again.  Yesterday, before allergy testing, I was a happier person.  When I walked into my house, this is what I used to see:

Awwwwww, right???  Look at those itty bitty kitties!  So snuggly and cute (well, the white one looks a little demonic, but for the most part, they are pretty freaking adorable).  WELL NOT ANYMORE, JACK, because since I’ve been allergy tested, all I see now when I walk in the door is this:

Which will inevitably lead to this:

And then this:

Or else this:

Which will obviously end up with me like this:

and

funny-gif-no-sneeze

Until finally, I’m like:

sneezing-motion

And ultimately like this:

make it stop

What’s a girl to do?  How can I be a crazy cat lady AND be allergic to cats?  Oh, the bitter, bitter irony.  You taste like cat fur and litter box dust, all rolled up into one huge hairball of sneeze.  Why, sucky immune system, why???

The good news is that I am willing to live the rest of my life taking potentially unhealthy doses of nasal steroids and antihistamines every day (or at least until all the cats die and I run out of cat refills).  Also, I did not take any tests yesterday that indicated I am allergic to Lucky Charms cereal.  So wow, bright side it is.  Suck it, universe.

We’re pleased to announce 2013’s Cat of the Year Award…

The Grammy’s.  The Emmy’s.  The Golden Globes.  Even the Academy Awards.  They all pale in comparison to the Sigman-Koski Awards, which has one highly-coveted CATegory:  that’s, right, CAT OF THE YEAR!  And without further ado, the winner of the 2013 Cat of the Year Award is….

Image

Jesse, who just turned 15 years old this past January 3rd, won paws down for being the best cat in the Sigman-Koski household during 2013.  His primary talents include snuggling on the couch with humans during nap time, purring, inciting the wrath of Oliver (which mostly involves growling), and avoiding food-bowl conflicts.  Congratulations, Jesse!  We love you!

Cats cats cats cats cats!!!

Our cats are enjoying the sun that rarely shows itself during winter in the Pacific northwest.  How many cats can you find in the below picture?  Hint:  one of them ran away just before I snapped the photo. Dang it, Abbey!!!

And when it comes to sharing, Samantha needs to recognize that it’s not her cat bed.  Well, it’s not Oliver’s either, and he needs to recognize that there is not room for two cats, especially if one of them is Oliver-sized.  Poor Samantha!

Just for that, Samantha gets my favorite Grumpy Cat meme:

Getting Our Paint On

Look at us getting our painting on!  Chris and I took a painting class at a studio called The Loaded Brush, where you get all the materials you need for a painting, plus beer and wine if you’d like.  It was so much fun!  We signed up for the Chat Noir class, and had a great time.  It was really interesting seeing how everyone’s paintings differed, even though we all painted the same picture.  The instructor was very good and did a great job going step-by-step throughout the process of creating our paintings.  We think we might even go back for another class sometime!

Bu bu bum! Bu bu bum! Bu bu bu bum…CAT SHOW!!!

Last weekend, one of my secret dreams came true. I discovered that we had the opportunity to see not only: 1) about 250 (mostly) gorgeous kitties, but 2) over 250 freaky cat people! All in one place!!! Yes, the Cat Fanciers Association hosted the Oregon Cats Classic at the Portland Expo Center, just across the river from our fair city of Vancouver. In doing a little research, I came to discover that the show would feature “Championship, Premiership, Kittens, Household Pets, Veterans and Agility”. Oh yes, you read that correctly: agility. For cats. As in an obstacle course. Which automatically means that I HAD to go. And just to let you know, I did get video of a cat running the course, but it’s at the end so you have to look at some pictures first!

Here’s what we saw:
Lots of cat-related license plates and bumper stickers in the parking lot.
A mess of crazy cat people in one room.
This friendly guy, named “Dances with Mice”.
This dude, some kind of cat expert with very odd hair, giving ribbons to terrified cats huddled in the back of their cages.
Something that someone was trying to pass off as an actual cat (btw, the hearts and sparkles aren’t fooling anyone – that thing is definitely evil).
Rows upon rows of these little hoop hutches, decked out with ribbons, sparkly bits, toys, and cats (usually passed out).

Nearly all the Persian kitties were wearing coffee filters around their necks. Supposedly it was to keep them from licking and messing up their fur, but I think the real purpose was to teach those cats a lesson in humility, because god knows they need it.

More judging. This cat was clearly peeking at the score card and didn’t look too happy about what he saw.

Apparently, one of the criteria for a winning cat is that it has to be alive. To determine whether the cat is simply comatose and not dead, this tool is often used to elicit an instinctual reaction.

Apparently, the requirement of *NOT* scaring small children was not considered when making the rules for what creatures can participate in the cat show. Terrifying.

Cats do obstacle courses waaaay differently than dogs. This cat decided to take a 7th inning stretch mid-way through the agility course. It was highly entertaining watching owners frantically waving feathered toys and sparkle sticks at their cats, trying to get them to move in something other than a random direction on the course.

The “Pet Me” cats were generally pretty adorbs!

Ok, I guess you’ve been good and have waited long enough. This was the first cat we saw on the agility course and was the best by far of any we watched during the day. This one actually got through most of the course pretty quickly. Generally, the other cats either walked across the course and laid down, hid in the tunnels because they were freaked out, or stood there looking pissed about their handler daring to put them in a position of amusement and ridicule for the enjoyment of humans. Anyway, here you go!

So, coming back from the cat show, Chris and I decided a couple of things. First, our cats pretty much suck. We have five cats and only one or two really like to be petted (sometimes), only about half a cat could be considered a “lap cat”, and none of them would ever permit us to put them in a room with hundreds of other cats without causing a major disturbance or at least summoning an ambulance or two. We tried to trade in a few of ours, but there were no takers; we actually considered simply bringing Oliver there and just leaving him. But we’re kind of pussies too, so neither of those options worked out. And second, and keep this on the down-low…I might just be one of those crazy cat people. Shhhhh… (oh – and by the way – the cat show is coming back to Vancouver in June!!! Who wants to come with?)

And the 2011 Cat of the Year is…

Well, I hope you’ve all been working hard to figure out the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse. I’ll give you a few minutes’ break from your weaponry training for this bit of news: we’ve crowned the 2011 Cat of the Year! Can you guess who is is? Here’s a hint:


Yes, Samantha won Cat of the Year for her many fine feline qualities. For example, she excels at purring. Plus, she’s not afraid to get right up on you to let you know that you should squidgle her so that she can pur. Additionally, she loves to lick faces! She really is the most cat-like out of all of our cats, which can otherwise be considered as: 1) a butt-sniffing wide-load oaf (Oliver); 2) invisible (Momo); 3) a cranky old man (Jesse) and 4) a demonic mayhem-inflicting bruiser (Abbey).

Congratulations, Samantha! I hope you enjoy your reign as Cat of the Year! (And maybe shove it in the others’ faces a little bit more so they have something to strive for. They really should be showing better behavior if they want to ever win Cat of the Year.)

Now. Have you figured out the best way to de-brain a corpse that you’re not sure is infected by the zombie infection? No? Well, you’d better get back to your training then. Toodles!

And the winner is…(drum roll, please)…

Welcome to the first annual Cat of the Year Awards! Each year, the Sigman-Koski family nominates, then votes for, cats who are deserving of recognition in several categories. I know what you’re thinking: cats and accomplishments? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Well, yes, but we feel that the cats who will be recognized tonight deserve the bravado, even though they may not have accomplished much (if anything) in 2010. At the very least, the winners deserve some extra pets (scritches behind the ears and tummy squidgles will be delivered upon declaration of the winner). And at the very most, the winners may be presented with a CatAssTrophy! So ready your applause, for our award ceremony is about to commence!

Our first award tonight recognizes the cat with the Cutest Meow. Nominees are: Samantha (for her performance on top of the staircase wall), Abbey (for her displays any time you pick her up), and Momo (for her role in meowing when you look at her or reach down to pet her). And the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Momo! Momo’s high-pitched and lengthy meows are petite and exceptionally adorable, just like her! Congratulations, Momo!

Even though her meows are very expressive, Momo is also skilled in non-verbal communication. This look clearly says “WTF am I supposed to do with this?”

Our next award will go to the cat that demonstrates the Best Head-Butts. Nominees are: Jesse (for his lap-time performances) and Samantha (for her bed-time head-butt/purring dual role). And the winner for Best Head-Butts is…..Jesse! Jesse has mastered the head-butt, with variations in force, direction, and body position (he can head-butt while standing, sitting, walking, and laying down – amazing!). Way to go, Jesse!

Jesse: Head-Butt Champion! And kind of a fan of flashing his junk! What a perv!

The next award is perhaps not as glamorous, but it’s an award just the same – Most Voracious Eater / Most Susceptible to Gravity. Nominees are: Samantha (who packed on a few pounds after giving birth to her kittens) and Oliver (who can force even the most determined cat away from the food bowl in order to stuff his own kibble hole). And the Most Voracious Eater / Most Susceptible to Gravity award goes to…..Oliver! Our very own Oliver (a.k.a. “Dirt Squirrel”) will go to any length to feed both his Oedipus complex and ever-expanding stomach…he still suckles from Samantha and gorges himself silly at any and all opportunities. Congrats, Oliver!

Oliver, demonstrating that it’s not so easy for the Best Eater / Cat Most Susceptible to Gravity to squeeze into tight places.

Next up is our award for Most Cunning Cleptomaniac. The nominees are: well, there’s just one, really – Abbey! Subsequently, by default, the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Abbey! Abbey uses her adorable looks and kittenish personality to make off with a wide variety of items including gift-wrap bows, receipts from out of your purse, and even cold hard cash (we think she’s using it to support her crack habit). Upon procuring each item from even the most secure locations, Abbey dashes off with the contraband in her mouth, stashes her prize, then proceeds to shred, bat, and scuttle the object noisily across the floor while you’re trying to sleep in the wee morning hours. Quite an accomplishment, Abbey!

Abbey shows off one of the many prizes she has clepto’ed. Will she take the pills herself or trade them for crack?

Before presenting our final award, we have one more category: Best Snuggler. The nominees are: Samantha (for her performance in morning bedtime snuggling), Oliver (for his default role as fatso who collapses wherever gravity puts him), and Jesse (who has demonstrated significant accomplishments in upon-lap napping and stretching). And the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Samantha! Samantha not only knows how to try and keep you in bed longer than you ought to be, but is also quite accomplished in hair/scalp massage techniques and making muffins with her happy paws. Congratulations, Samantha!

Sam (right) demonstrates the techniques with Oliver (left) that earned her the Best Snuggler CatAssTrophy.

And now, the award you’ve all been waiting for: 2010 Cat of the Year. Excited, aren’t you? While all five cats were nominated for this achievement, some of them took themselves out of the running with ill behavior or by not giving a crap (you’re surprised we had any cats left who were worthy, huh?). Two cats rose to the top: Samantha and Jesse, for these two demonstrated a strong willingness to exhibit affection to humans, as well as other admirable qualities. Ok, we won’t keep you waiting any longer…and the winner of the 2010 Cat of the Year CatAssTrophy is…..JESSE!!! Jesse won overall cat of the year for his mild-manner, amusing meows (or croaks, really), fluffiness, adept snuggling and head-butting skills, unique ability to tame the beast (a.k.a. Abbey), and propensity for purring excessively. Jesse spent many years playing second fiddle to the late Zoe, which he passed with patience and humility. To top it off, Jesse turned 12 years old on January 3, making him the senior cat of the house! Happy birthday and congratulations, Jesse! Your picture will be featured on our “Cat of the Year” plaque, along with your name and year engraved to commemorate your accomplishment!

The rest of you felines can be jealous all you want…but I suggest you start sucking up now if you want to win any 2011 awards!

Jesse, 2010 Cat of the Year!

Fancy New Year, Fancy New Grand Aspirations!

Ok, first off, let me tell you that I re-read yesterday’s post and I fear that I may have gotten a little overexcited. Whoa, there, cowgirl! I mean, who doesn’t want to read more snarky blog posts, see more scandalous photos, view more titillating videos, and whatever the hell else I led you to believe you’d be seeing more of in A Very Marcilicious Blog in 2010?

Well hold on to your pants, friends, because I’m STILL overexcited and STILL determined to bring you more, better, extra, and super-sized Marcilicious blogging! In fact, you’ll notice that the header now says “An Ultra-Marcilicious Blog”, which I hope it remains. Of course, this is still A Very Marcilicious Blog (how could it be anything else?), so no need to update your links or worry your pretty little head about that. But in my effort to come up with *some* sort of New Year’s resolution (which I hate, because they always end up broken and/or forgotten by January 7, usually entail something to do with weight loss and/or body image, and encourage you – in this case me – to screw with something that ain’t broke in the first place. I mean really, why mess with perfection???) I decided that my blogging could use a little rebirth. So lucky you! Fancy new year, fancy new blogging attitude.

A couple of newish things that you might be interested in. First, shortly before I left San Diego, I started taking belly dance lessons. Woo hoo! Much like crows and woodrats, I am attracted to colorful, sparkly, and jingly things, and belly dance costumes are usually crafted out of materials that exhibit these traits. So while I’m still very much a beginner, I’m also very much enjoying prancing about in colorful, sparkly, and jingly hip scarves, letting my ass do what it does best (uh, that would be jiggle). I’m still having trouble getting my upper half and lower halves to communicate and work in some sort of coordinated fashion (boobs, meet ass; ass, meet boobs – pleased to meet you!), but I’m enjoying taking lessons, laughing at myself, and actually feeling fleeting moments of pride when I get something right. I have also learned that I am *not* actually the least coordinated person on earth! I’ve spent WWAAAYYYYY too much money on belly dance clothing and accessories, but I consider it a Christmas gift to myself, and a way to keep me motivated to continue dancing.

The other new item is the acquisition of a new kitten!!! Even as I type, she is attacking my hands, trying to eat the laptop power cord, scratching at the mouse as it moves across my monitor, and performing other simultaneous feats of mayhem. I named her Abbey, after Edward Abbey, who famously wrote The Monkey Wrench Gang. Abbey, I quickly learned, is quite the monkey wrencher, and I’m certain that if I were to let her loose in the desert southwest there would be numerous dam breachings, construction accidents, and general chaos in rapid time. So we’ll just try to keep her contained in this here little apartment in Portland, ‘kay? I got her from the Portland Humane Society when she was just a little thing – maybe 10 weeks old – and she was so tiny and cute. Below is the picture of her they posted on their website – I immediately called and placed a hold on her. Doesn’t she look innocent and precious? Who knew that such a menacing evil lurked within??? Let me tell you who knew: Jesse. Although, within two days, Jesse was letting her curl up with him to sleep, and even suckle off of him (as the below video shows). He looks at me and says, “why? why? why does this kitten think I’m her mother??? why did you do this to me???”

Anyway, happy new year – I hope that the new one brings you happiness, contentment, adventure, good health, and more things to read on this blog, dammit.