You might not believe this, but my cats are not always completely photogenic. I’d say, that on average, it requires about 10 derpy photos to get one good photo of any one of my cats. So here’s my gift to you: a gallery of my kitty derps. Don’t tell Jesse, Sam, Momo, Oliver or Abbey, because 1) they will be very embarrassed; 2) they might exact revenge by posting a gallery of Marci derps (and there are many, I tell you); and 3) they might kill me in my sleep. They have tried before; I am lucky to be here.
Welcome to the first annual Cat of the Year Awards! Each year, the Sigman-Koski family nominates, then votes for, cats who are deserving of recognition in several categories. I know what you’re thinking: cats and accomplishments? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Well, yes, but we feel that the cats who will be recognized tonight deserve the bravado, even though they may not have accomplished much (if anything) in 2010. At the very least, the winners deserve some extra pets (scritches behind the ears and tummy squidgles will be delivered upon declaration of the winner). And at the very most, the winners may be presented with a CatAssTrophy! So ready your applause, for our award ceremony is about to commence!
Our first award tonight recognizes the cat with the Cutest Meow. Nominees are: Samantha (for her performance on top of the staircase wall), Abbey (for her displays any time you pick her up), and Momo (for her role in meowing when you look at her or reach down to pet her). And the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Momo! Momo’s high-pitched and lengthy meows are petite and exceptionally adorable, just like her! Congratulations, Momo!
Our next award will go to the cat that demonstrates the Best Head-Butts. Nominees are: Jesse (for his lap-time performances) and Samantha (for her bed-time head-butt/purring dual role). And the winner for Best Head-Butts is…..Jesse! Jesse has mastered the head-butt, with variations in force, direction, and body position (he can head-butt while standing, sitting, walking, and laying down – amazing!). Way to go, Jesse!
The next award is perhaps not as glamorous, but it’s an award just the same – Most Voracious Eater / Most Susceptible to Gravity. Nominees are: Samantha (who packed on a few pounds after giving birth to her kittens) and Oliver (who can force even the most determined cat away from the food bowl in order to stuff his own kibble hole). And the Most Voracious Eater / Most Susceptible to Gravity award goes to…..Oliver! Our very own Oliver (a.k.a. “Dirt Squirrel”) will go to any length to feed both his Oedipus complex and ever-expanding stomach…he still suckles from Samantha and gorges himself silly at any and all opportunities. Congrats, Oliver!
Next up is our award for Most Cunning Cleptomaniac. The nominees are: well, there’s just one, really – Abbey! Subsequently, by default, the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Abbey! Abbey uses her adorable looks and kittenish personality to make off with a wide variety of items including gift-wrap bows, receipts from out of your purse, and even cold hard cash (we think she’s using it to support her crack habit). Upon procuring each item from even the most secure locations, Abbey dashes off with the contraband in her mouth, stashes her prize, then proceeds to shred, bat, and scuttle the object noisily across the floor while you’re trying to sleep in the wee morning hours. Quite an accomplishment, Abbey!
Before presenting our final award, we have one more category: Best Snuggler. The nominees are: Samantha (for her performance in morning bedtime snuggling), Oliver (for his default role as fatso who collapses wherever gravity puts him), and Jesse (who has demonstrated significant accomplishments in upon-lap napping and stretching). And the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Samantha! Samantha not only knows how to try and keep you in bed longer than you ought to be, but is also quite accomplished in hair/scalp massage techniques and making muffins with her happy paws. Congratulations, Samantha!
And now, the award you’ve all been waiting for: 2010 Cat of the Year. Excited, aren’t you? While all five cats were nominated for this achievement, some of them took themselves out of the running with ill behavior or by not giving a crap (you’re surprised we had any cats left who were worthy, huh?). Two cats rose to the top: Samantha and Jesse, for these two demonstrated a strong willingness to exhibit affection to humans, as well as other admirable qualities. Ok, we won’t keep you waiting any longer…and the winner of the 2010 Cat of the Year CatAssTrophy is…..JESSE!!! Jesse won overall cat of the year for his mild-manner, amusing meows (or croaks, really), fluffiness, adept snuggling and head-butting skills, unique ability to tame the beast (a.k.a. Abbey), and propensity for purring excessively. Jesse spent many years playing second fiddle to the late Zoe, which he passed with patience and humility. To top it off, Jesse turned 12 years old on January 3, making him the senior cat of the house! Happy birthday and congratulations, Jesse! Your picture will be featured on our “Cat of the Year” plaque, along with your name and year engraved to commemorate your accomplishment!
The rest of you felines can be jealous all you want…but I suggest you start sucking up now if you want to win any 2011 awards!
Ok, first off, let me tell you that I re-read yesterday’s post and I fear that I may have gotten a little overexcited. Whoa, there, cowgirl! I mean, who doesn’t want to read more snarky blog posts, see more scandalous photos, view more titillating videos, and whatever the hell else I led you to believe you’d be seeing more of in A Very Marcilicious Blog in 2010?
Well hold on to your pants, friends, because I’m STILL overexcited and STILL determined to bring you more, better, extra, and super-sized Marcilicious blogging! In fact, you’ll notice that the header now says “An Ultra-Marcilicious Blog”, which I hope it remains. Of course, this is still A Very Marcilicious Blog (how could it be anything else?), so no need to update your links or worry your pretty little head about that. But in my effort to come up with *some* sort of New Year’s resolution (which I hate, because they always end up broken and/or forgotten by January 7, usually entail something to do with weight loss and/or body image, and encourage you – in this case me – to screw with something that ain’t broke in the first place. I mean really, why mess with perfection???) I decided that my blogging could use a little rebirth. So lucky you! Fancy new year, fancy new blogging attitude.
A couple of newish things that you might be interested in. First, shortly before I left San Diego, I started taking belly dance lessons. Woo hoo! Much like crows and woodrats, I am attracted to colorful, sparkly, and jingly things, and belly dance costumes are usually crafted out of materials that exhibit these traits. So while I’m still very much a beginner, I’m also very much enjoying prancing about in colorful, sparkly, and jingly hip scarves, letting my ass do what it does best (uh, that would be jiggle). I’m still having trouble getting my upper half and lower halves to communicate and work in some sort of coordinated fashion (boobs, meet ass; ass, meet boobs – pleased to meet you!), but I’m enjoying taking lessons, laughing at myself, and actually feeling fleeting moments of pride when I get something right. I have also learned that I am *not* actually the least coordinated person on earth! I’ve spent WWAAAYYYYY too much money on belly dance clothing and accessories, but I consider it a Christmas gift to myself, and a way to keep me motivated to continue dancing.
The other new item is the acquisition of a new kitten!!! Even as I type, she is attacking my hands, trying to eat the laptop power cord, scratching at the mouse as it moves across my monitor, and performing other simultaneous feats of mayhem. I named her Abbey, after Edward Abbey, who famously wrote The Monkey Wrench Gang. Abbey, I quickly learned, is quite the monkey wrencher, and I’m certain that if I were to let her loose in the desert southwest there would be numerous dam breachings, construction accidents, and general chaos in rapid time. So we’ll just try to keep her contained in this here little apartment in Portland, ‘kay? I got her from the Portland Humane Society when she was just a little thing – maybe 10 weeks old – and she was so tiny and cute. Below is the picture of her they posted on their website – I immediately called and placed a hold on her. Doesn’t she look innocent and precious? Who knew that such a menacing evil lurked within??? Let me tell you who knew: Jesse. Although, within two days, Jesse was letting her curl up with him to sleep, and even suckle off of him (as the below video shows). He looks at me and says, “why? why? why does this kitten think I’m her mother??? why did you do this to me???”
Anyway, happy new year – I hope that the new one brings you happiness, contentment, adventure, good health, and more things to read on this blog, dammit.