Welcome to the first annual Cat of the Year Awards! Each year, the Sigman-Koski family nominates, then votes for, cats who are deserving of recognition in several categories. I know what you’re thinking: cats and accomplishments? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Well, yes, but we feel that the cats who will be recognized tonight deserve the bravado, even though they may not have accomplished much (if anything) in 2010. At the very least, the winners deserve some extra pets (scritches behind the ears and tummy squidgles will be delivered upon declaration of the winner). And at the very most, the winners may be presented with a CatAssTrophy! So ready your applause, for our award ceremony is about to commence!
Our first award tonight recognizes the cat with the Cutest Meow. Nominees are: Samantha (for her performance on top of the staircase wall), Abbey (for her displays any time you pick her up), and Momo (for her role in meowing when you look at her or reach down to pet her). And the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Momo! Momo’s high-pitched and lengthy meows are petite and exceptionally adorable, just like her! Congratulations, Momo!
Even though her meows are very expressive, Momo is also skilled in non-verbal communication. This look clearly says “WTF am I supposed to do with this?”
Our next award will go to the cat that demonstrates the Best Head-Butts. Nominees are: Jesse (for his lap-time performances) and Samantha (for her bed-time head-butt/purring dual role). And the winner for Best Head-Butts is…..Jesse! Jesse has mastered the head-butt, with variations in force, direction, and body position (he can head-butt while standing, sitting, walking, and laying down – amazing!). Way to go, Jesse!
Jesse: Head-Butt Champion! And kind of a fan of flashing his junk! What a perv!
The next award is perhaps not as glamorous, but it’s an award just the same – Most Voracious Eater / Most Susceptible to Gravity. Nominees are: Samantha (who packed on a few pounds after giving birth to her kittens) and Oliver (who can force even the most determined cat away from the food bowl in order to stuff his own kibble hole). And the Most Voracious Eater / Most Susceptible to Gravity award goes to…..Oliver! Our very own Oliver (a.k.a. “Dirt Squirrel”) will go to any length to feed both his Oedipus complex and ever-expanding stomach…he still suckles from Samantha and gorges himself silly at any and all opportunities. Congrats, Oliver!
Oliver, demonstrating that it’s not so easy for the Best Eater / Cat Most Susceptible to Gravity to squeeze into tight places.
Next up is our award for Most Cunning Cleptomaniac. The nominees are: well, there’s just one, really – Abbey! Subsequently, by default, the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Abbey! Abbey uses her adorable looks and kittenish personality to make off with a wide variety of items including gift-wrap bows, receipts from out of your purse, and even cold hard cash (we think she’s using it to support her crack habit). Upon procuring each item from even the most secure locations, Abbey dashes off with the contraband in her mouth, stashes her prize, then proceeds to shred, bat, and scuttle the object noisily across the floor while you’re trying to sleep in the wee morning hours. Quite an accomplishment, Abbey!
Abbey shows off one of the many prizes she has clepto’ed. Will she take the pills herself or trade them for crack?
Before presenting our final award, we have one more category: Best Snuggler. The nominees are: Samantha (for her performance in morning bedtime snuggling), Oliver (for his default role as fatso who collapses wherever gravity puts him), and Jesse (who has demonstrated significant accomplishments in upon-lap napping and stretching). And the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Samantha! Samantha not only knows how to try and keep you in bed longer than you ought to be, but is also quite accomplished in hair/scalp massage techniques and making muffins with her happy paws. Congratulations, Samantha!
Sam (right) demonstrates the techniques with Oliver (left) that earned her the Best Snuggler CatAssTrophy.
And now, the award you’ve all been waiting for: 2010 Cat of the Year. Excited, aren’t you? While all five cats were nominated for this achievement, some of them took themselves out of the running with ill behavior or by not giving a crap (you’re surprised we had any cats left who were worthy, huh?). Two cats rose to the top: Samantha and Jesse, for these two demonstrated a strong willingness to exhibit affection to humans, as well as other admirable qualities. Ok, we won’t keep you waiting any longer…and the winner of the 2010 Cat of the Year CatAssTrophy is…..JESSE!!! Jesse won overall cat of the year for his mild-manner, amusing meows (or croaks, really), fluffiness, adept snuggling and head-butting skills, unique ability to tame the beast (a.k.a. Abbey), and propensity for purring excessively. Jesse spent many years playing second fiddle to the late Zoe, which he passed with patience and humility. To top it off, Jesse turned 12 years old on January 3, making him the senior cat of the house! Happy birthday and congratulations, Jesse! Your picture will be featured on our “Cat of the Year” plaque, along with your name and year engraved to commemorate your accomplishment!
The rest of you felines can be jealous all you want…but I suggest you start sucking up now if you want to win any 2011 awards!
Jesse, 2010 Cat of the Year!