Category Archives: Humor

I like to write and post funny things. So I had to have a category for it, right??? If it’s funny, it will go here.

Like it was even going to be close…

Posted in Entertainment, Humor by

There you have it, folks – samoas are in fact the best Girl Scout cookie EVER. Out of seven votes (ok, people, that is really pathetic in itself and I wonder why I even keep writing this blog…you’re lucky I like you guys so much…) 4 people voted for samoas and 2 people voted for more samoas. One person voted for “other”, and I happen to know that his favorite cookie is the tagalong (chocolate covered cookie with a peanut butter layer), but obviously, 2nd place wasn’t even close. Viva la samoa!!!

Our Recycling Program: A Smashing Success!!!

Posted in Career, Humor, Me Me Me! by

I’m so proud of the employees where I work. A few weeks ago, I noticed that there were plenty of recyclable items being thrown away in the trash in our break room, which prompted me to post a few signs pointing out that recyclable items should go in, well, the recycling containers that are about a foot away from the trash. I even used pictures of Terry Tate as motivators. I didn’t think it was working very well because every now and then I’d still see a tin container or plastic cup in the trash; however, this morning’s discovery has convinced me that indeed, there are some *very* dedicated recyclers in my office:

Ok, this obviously leads me to several questions. First, is someone really drinking vodka and making lemon drops at work? And second, why was I not invited to the party???

March Madness – that’s Basketball, Right?

Posted in Entertainment, Humor by

Okay, so I don’t know sports. At. All. When my supervisor invited me to participate in the NCAA March Madness team pool, I had little idea what he was talking about. I figured it was probably basketball-related, but really, I needed some help with this. I asked a coworker to please explain: what is a bracket? What are the numbers next to each team? This is the game with the bouncing orange ball, yes? Greg was pretty patient with my questions, thankfully, and started to explain numerous ways of picking teams – you can go with the random fill, or use the formula that takes into account past statistics, or you can base it on what other brackets people have filled out, or even check out Vegas odds. In my mind though, these things are much too complicated and will probably have little to do with who actually wins, so I’ve decided to go with my own method: pitted against one another, which team mascot would win?

I know this isn’t a terribly novel approach, but I don’t think my picks were ultimately that bad. Let’s look at the results: Ohio State is clearly going to win the Midwest region because how can a buckeye lose? It’s a friggin’ nut. Those things are hard. If you chomp on them they will break your teeth, and I’ll bet that a cowboy or aggie or running rebel being pelted with a load of buckeyes would turn tail and run. Especially the running rebel (what a dumb mascot in the first place! If you’re a rebel, you’re not going to run, you’re going to stand your ground and fight). Ok, next, the Kansas State wildcats are going to take the West region because they are cats, and wild, so obviously they are the best. Yes, I know that there are panthers, cougars, and catamounts in this region, but the way I figure, the term “wildcat” includes all of these critters, and then-some. So easily, a pack of cats including lions, tigers, cougars, bobcats, lynx, and snow leopards is going to trounce any single predatory cat. So nice try, Pittsburgh, BYU, and Vermont – you can suck it! The Kentucky wildcats will dominate the East region based on the exact same logic, beating not one, but three teams of tigers (come on Clemson, Missouri, and Tennessee State – can we be a little more creative???). Finally, I predict that Purdue will win the South region because they are the boilermakers, and their mascot is a locomotive. And we know that a locomotive will completely demolish anything in its path, including spiders, blue devils, and the fighting Irish. Right?

So when you line up buckeyes vs. wildcats, I chose the Kansas State Wildcats to win (I know it goes a little against my original logic, but I’m a cat person), and between the boilermakers vs. Kentucky Wildcats, the locomotive has it. And overall, Purdue has got to be victorious. I know it’s sad, but what cat is going to be able to stand up against a locomotive? And do you remember the Soul Train train? That train was funky. Another reason for victory – power and funk.

Wow, I guess those Maryland Terrapins never really had a chance! So sad…but that’s what you get when you pick a wimpy team mascot.

Name that Mystery Ingredient!

Posted in Humor by

You might recall that in my previous post I mentioned we ate Sunday brunch at Joe’s Cellar Diner. Which is suspicious right away, since the diner is not in a cellar. It’s on the first floor of a corner building, well above-ground. So I’m not sure what the cellar refers to.

Unless, of course, it pertains to the storage of the main ingredient they use in their gravy. I ordered a side of it to go with my biscuit. It was very jiggly (like Jell-O), but instead of tasting fruity, it was savory. Remember that scene in “Better Off Dead” where John Cusack is sitting at the dinner table and his mom scoops up a blob of green goo and plops it onto his plate, then upon poking it with a fork, it slides off the plate all on its own as if it was off to destroy all in its path? It was kinda like that. Only less green and more peppery.

Look, it held up a spoon all on its own. My guess is that the mystery ingredient is plaster-of-paris. So now it’s interactive-blogging-time: what’s your guess? Submit your best speculation in a comment!

Get it Right, Rogue!

Posted in Humor by

The poll results are in! 6 out of 8 people (75%) agree that if you are female you should use the “hops” restroom, and if you are male you should use the “barley” restroom. Which is what I think, too. In brewing, the floral part of the hops is used (I think), and flowers are generally associated with females since the flower contains the ovary…whereas barley is used in grain (or seed) form, which is more typically associated with males. But this is coming from a biologist. When the bartender at Rogue Brew House in Newport was queried, he responded that females correspond to barley because they are sweet, whereas males correspond to hops because they are bitter. However, I’ve known many people who exhibit the opposite gender stereotype. Therefore, I believe my biological reasoning for restroom designations to be superior and more accurate than the rationale used by Rogue. Ask any botanist and you will likely get a similar response. Me thinks Rogue will be soon be receiving a letter informing them of the results of this highly scientific poll!

This Peep Show’s Not Free, Folks…

Posted in Blogging, Humor by

Hey! I think I’ve been doing pretty well with maintaining my New Year’s promise to blog more frequently. Wouldn’t you agree? Yes? Alright then. Now that we’re all on board with that, let me ask you this. What’s up, people? You think you can just read my blog and get free laughs without having to do anything for them? There is no free lunch my friends, so listen up. Blog participation is a two-way street! I’ve had my blog-follower’s list up for over a month now, and get this…I have no followers. Does this mean that no one is reading my blog? No, it can’t be, because at least 7 of you people have voted in my latest poll (thank you!). So here’s what you can do for me: 1) sign up as a Marcilicious blog follower (it’s easy to do – just click the button on the right side of my blog, below), and 2) vote in my polls (there are just a few days left for this one). Easy right? Almost as easy as just freeloading entertainment from my blog anonymously…ha ha ha!!! Feeling guilty yet? Yeah, I thought so! :oP

New Study Links Early Onset Alzheimer’s to Extreme Boredom

Posted in Complainments, Humor by

A new study, conducted by the National Senility Institute, has revealed shocking new evidence that extreme boredom may lead to the early onset of Alzheimer’s disease. Under the most severe conditions, symptoms can start to show as early as age thirty in some patients. While only preliminary studies have been completed, the groundwork is set for more in-depth investigations as to the reasons why boredom can cause senility, progressing eventually to Alzheimer’s disease. Brain atrophy, a common result of chronic boredom, is thought to be the primary mechanism for advances in memory loss and dementia.

Marci Karski, NSI’s only study subject in the pilot studies to date, has exhibited startling signs of memory loss, a recent lack of creativity, an inability to utilize any kind of vocabulary other than rudimentary sentence formations, and a tendency to drool. “I started to worry, you know, because, like, I can’t think good anymore. I used to be kinda smart and stuff,” Karski lamented. Upon urging from colleagues and family, Karski decided to contact NSI for an evaluation.

Fortunately, NSI had been studying the effects of boredom on the human brain for quite some time. Preliminary investigations have revealed that extreme boredom (defined, in part, as sitting on one’s ass for up to 8 hours per day in front of a desk while performing tasks that don’t feel useful or fulfilling) can account for up to 75 percent of the variability exhibited by early onset dementia symptoms. Other contributing lifestyle factors may include excessive exposure to reality television, constantly whining geriatric dogs, and “not getting any”. Unfortunately, Karski faces all of these risks on a daily basis, so it is difficult to isolate which of these confounding factors may be primary causes for dementia, as opposed to just a minor pain in the ass.

“I’m hopeful that the NSI will find a cure for my disease,” Karski stated. “Maybe some day I’ll be able to think good again, and like, do stuff. Wait – who are you again? Where am I? What the hell are you talking about?”

For further information regarding this study, or to participate in future investigations pertaining to senility and boredom, contact the NSI and use trial code “I don’t want to end up like Karski” for the study reference.

All that TV watching is finally paying off!

Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Movies and TV by

You guessed it – I’ve been chosen as a Nielsen family! Today I received my Nielsen Ratings TV Viewing Diary, and $30 cold hard cash. When they called to inform me of this honor, I thought I’d be getting a check for $30 or some form that I had to turn in with the diary in order to get $30, so you can imagine how surprised I was to see $30 in cash tucked in with my TV diary package. Woohoo!!! Thirty bucks to watch TV???!!! I have to track all my TV viewing for a week, starting this Thursday. I hope the TV diary has enough paper…

I know you are jealous.

D’oh! I’ve been Simpsonized!

Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Movies and TV by

Look at me – I’ve been Simpsonized! If you go to http://www.simpsonizeme.com/, you can upload a picture of yourself and undergo a yellowing process that will transform you into the newest Springfield citizen. Once the initial yellowing is complete, you can tweek things like your eyes, hairstyle, clothes, colors, and backgrounds. Here is the photo I uploaded and my final Simpsonized result: