Okay, so I don’t know sports. At. All. When my supervisor invited me to participate in the NCAA March Madness team pool, I had little idea what he was talking about. I figured it was probably basketball-related, but really, I needed some help with this. I asked a coworker to please explain: what is a bracket? What are the numbers next to each team? This is the game with the bouncing orange ball, yes? Greg was pretty patient with my questions, thankfully, and started to explain numerous ways of picking teams – you can go with the random fill, or use the formula that takes into account past statistics, or you can base it on what other brackets people have filled out, or even check out Vegas odds. In my mind though, these things are much too complicated and will probably have little to do with who actually wins, so I’ve decided to go with my own method: pitted against one another, which team mascot would win?

I know this isn’t a terribly novel approach, but I don’t think my picks were ultimately that bad. Let’s look at the results: Ohio State is clearly going to win the Midwest region because how can a buckeye lose? It’s a friggin’ nut. Those things are hard. If you chomp on them they will break your teeth, and I’ll bet that a cowboy or aggie or running rebel being pelted with a load of buckeyes would turn tail and run. Especially the running rebel (what a dumb mascot in the first place! If you’re a rebel, you’re not going to run, you’re going to stand your ground and fight). Ok, next, the Kansas State wildcats are going to take the West region because they are cats, and wild, so obviously they are the best. Yes, I know that there are panthers, cougars, and catamounts in this region, but the way I figure, the term “wildcat” includes all of these critters, and then-some. So easily, a pack of cats including lions, tigers, cougars, bobcats, lynx, and snow leopards is going to trounce any single predatory cat. So nice try, Pittsburgh, BYU, and Vermont – you can suck it! The Kentucky wildcats will dominate the East region based on the exact same logic, beating not one, but three teams of tigers (come on Clemson, Missouri, and Tennessee State – can we be a little more creative???). Finally, I predict that Purdue will win the South region because they are the boilermakers, and their mascot is a locomotive. And we know that a locomotive will completely demolish anything in its path, including spiders, blue devils, and the fighting Irish. Right?

So when you line up buckeyes vs. wildcats, I chose the Kansas State Wildcats to win (I know it goes a little against my original logic, but I’m a cat person), and between the boilermakers vs. Kentucky Wildcats, the locomotive has it. And overall, Purdue has got to be victorious. I know it’s sad, but what cat is going to be able to stand up against a locomotive? And do you remember the Soul Train train? That train was funky. Another reason for victory – power and funk.

Wow, I guess those Maryland Terrapins never really had a chance! So sad…but that’s what you get when you pick a wimpy team mascot.