New Study Links Early Onset Alzheimer’s to Extreme Boredom

A new study, conducted by the National Senility Institute, has revealed shocking new evidence that extreme boredom may lead to the early onset of Alzheimer’s disease. Under the most severe conditions, symptoms can start to show as early as age thirty in some patients. While only preliminary studies have been completed, the groundwork is set for more in-depth investigations as to the reasons why boredom can cause senility, progressing eventually to Alzheimer’s disease. Brain atrophy, a common result of chronic boredom, is thought to be the primary mechanism for advances in memory loss and dementia.

Marci Karski, NSI’s only study subject in the pilot studies to date, has exhibited startling signs of memory loss, a recent lack of creativity, an inability to utilize any kind of vocabulary other than rudimentary sentence formations, and a tendency to drool. “I started to worry, you know, because, like, I can’t think good anymore. I used to be kinda smart and stuff,” Karski lamented. Upon urging from colleagues and family, Karski decided to contact NSI for an evaluation.

Fortunately, NSI had been studying the effects of boredom on the human brain for quite some time. Preliminary investigations have revealed that extreme boredom (defined, in part, as sitting on one’s ass for up to 8 hours per day in front of a desk while performing tasks that don’t feel useful or fulfilling) can account for up to 75 percent of the variability exhibited by early onset dementia symptoms. Other contributing lifestyle factors may include excessive exposure to reality television, constantly whining geriatric dogs, and “not getting any”. Unfortunately, Karski faces all of these risks on a daily basis, so it is difficult to isolate which of these confounding factors may be primary causes for dementia, as opposed to just a minor pain in the ass.

“I’m hopeful that the NSI will find a cure for my disease,” Karski stated. “Maybe some day I’ll be able to think good again, and like, do stuff. Wait – who are you again? Where am I? What the hell are you talking about?”

For further information regarding this study, or to participate in future investigations pertaining to senility and boredom, contact the NSI and use trial code “I don’t want to end up like Karski” for the study reference.

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