Category Archives: Humor

I like to write and post funny things. So I had to have a category for it, right??? If it’s funny, it will go here.

Game of Thrones is Ruining My Life!!!

Posted in Books, Entertainment, Home Life, Humor, Me Me Me!, Movies and TV by

I’m soooooo happy that I’m on book 5 of the Game of Thrones series.  Why?  Because book 6 hasn’t been published yet.  Which means I can get my freakin’ life back.  Because ever since Kellie convinced me that I needed to read the Game of Thrones series, all of my free time has been held hostage by my NEED, my THIRST, my OBSESSION to read these books.  Let’s see how my life has suffered, shall we?

1.  BOOK CLUB.  Ok, each month I’m supposed to read a book for book club.  I’ve been pretty good about finishing books…until a few months ago.  Each GoT book is between 800 and 1200 pages, which means that I have trouble reading GoT AND a book club book.  Guess which one wins???

2.  BRAINY GIRLS.  Poor Brainy Girls.  I haven’t had time to put the archive for the last issue together, nor write almost anything for this issue. Which SUCKS, because the theme for this issue is insects, which is awesome, and I’m running out of time to adequately cover the subject.  Can I just finish this last GoT book already so that I can get back to doing quality Brainy Girls work, please???

3.  ROLLER DERBY.  Ok, not really.  I’ve been able to stay pretty much on top of practices and events.  Chris and I even went to the Rose City Rollers Hometown Championships a couple of weeks ago at the Rose Garden.  It was awesome!!!  HOWEVER, I did volunteer to set up and maintain the Storm City Roller Girls website (what was I thinking???) and that has fallen a little behind, too.


Guns N Rollers battle it out with the High Rollers for 1st place!

4.  DIGITAL MEMOIRS (aka scrapbooking).  My 2012 book is almost finished except for the covers and title page.  I put in sooooo many hours working on that book and I just have to cross the finish line…however, finding out where Arya Stark is in Braavos is apparently more important than finalizing the record I have for everything I did in 2012.

 

5.  OUR YARD.  I will not post pictures.  We have a guy who mows our lawn, but I’ve been meaning to get out there with the weed whacker for WEEKS.  There are weeds in our back yard that are 6 feet tall.  We have not planted our garden (except for the weeds).  Shameful.

6.  MY SLEEP.  I’ve been sleeping HORRIBLY lately, and I suspect it is because I stay up late reading GoT.  I wake up and think about GoT in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep.  It’s starting to catch up with me.

7.  HUMAN INTERACTION.  I’ve become a recluse.  My only social outlet is now online, and I’m behind at that (see above).

So, THANK YOU, George R.R. Martin, for hijacking my life.  I’ve watched seasons 1 and 2 on Amazon and am waiting for season 3 to come out.

Oh, crap – are you kidding me???  I can’t wait to be done with your epic stories and find out how this all ends.  I can’t wait to resume life as a regular human…that is, until book 6 is released…

Bu bu bum! Bu bu bum! Bu bu bu bum…CAT SHOW!!!

Posted in Animals, Cats, Humor by

Last weekend, one of my secret dreams came true. I discovered that we had the opportunity to see not only: 1) about 250 (mostly) gorgeous kitties, but 2) over 250 freaky cat people! All in one place!!! Yes, the Cat Fanciers Association hosted the Oregon Cats Classic at the Portland Expo Center, just across the river from our fair city of Vancouver. In doing a little research, I came to discover that the show would feature “Championship, Premiership, Kittens, Household Pets, Veterans and Agility”. Oh yes, you read that correctly: agility. For cats. As in an obstacle course. Which automatically means that I HAD to go. And just to let you know, I did get video of a cat running the course, but it’s at the end so you have to look at some pictures first!

Here’s what we saw:
Lots of cat-related license plates and bumper stickers in the parking lot.
A mess of crazy cat people in one room.
This friendly guy, named “Dances with Mice”.
This dude, some kind of cat expert with very odd hair, giving ribbons to terrified cats huddled in the back of their cages.
Something that someone was trying to pass off as an actual cat (btw, the hearts and sparkles aren’t fooling anyone – that thing is definitely evil).
Rows upon rows of these little hoop hutches, decked out with ribbons, sparkly bits, toys, and cats (usually passed out).

Nearly all the Persian kitties were wearing coffee filters around their necks. Supposedly it was to keep them from licking and messing up their fur, but I think the real purpose was to teach those cats a lesson in humility, because god knows they need it.

More judging. This cat was clearly peeking at the score card and didn’t look too happy about what he saw.

Apparently, one of the criteria for a winning cat is that it has to be alive. To determine whether the cat is simply comatose and not dead, this tool is often used to elicit an instinctual reaction.

Apparently, the requirement of *NOT* scaring small children was not considered when making the rules for what creatures can participate in the cat show. Terrifying.

Cats do obstacle courses waaaay differently than dogs. This cat decided to take a 7th inning stretch mid-way through the agility course. It was highly entertaining watching owners frantically waving feathered toys and sparkle sticks at their cats, trying to get them to move in something other than a random direction on the course.

The “Pet Me” cats were generally pretty adorbs!

Ok, I guess you’ve been good and have waited long enough. This was the first cat we saw on the agility course and was the best by far of any we watched during the day. This one actually got through most of the course pretty quickly. Generally, the other cats either walked across the course and laid down, hid in the tunnels because they were freaked out, or stood there looking pissed about their handler daring to put them in a position of amusement and ridicule for the enjoyment of humans. Anyway, here you go!

So, coming back from the cat show, Chris and I decided a couple of things. First, our cats pretty much suck. We have five cats and only one or two really like to be petted (sometimes), only about half a cat could be considered a “lap cat”, and none of them would ever permit us to put them in a room with hundreds of other cats without causing a major disturbance or at least summoning an ambulance or two. We tried to trade in a few of ours, but there were no takers; we actually considered simply bringing Oliver there and just leaving him. But we’re kind of pussies too, so neither of those options worked out. And second, and keep this on the down-low…I might just be one of those crazy cat people. Shhhhh… (oh – and by the way – the cat show is coming back to Vancouver in June!!! Who wants to come with?)

And the 2011 Cat of the Year is…

Posted in Animals, Cats, Humor by

Well, I hope you’ve all been working hard to figure out the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse. I’ll give you a few minutes’ break from your weaponry training for this bit of news: we’ve crowned the 2011 Cat of the Year! Can you guess who is is? Here’s a hint:


Yes, Samantha won Cat of the Year for her many fine feline qualities. For example, she excels at purring. Plus, she’s not afraid to get right up on you to let you know that you should squidgle her so that she can pur. Additionally, she loves to lick faces! She really is the most cat-like out of all of our cats, which can otherwise be considered as: 1) a butt-sniffing wide-load oaf (Oliver); 2) invisible (Momo); 3) a cranky old man (Jesse) and 4) a demonic mayhem-inflicting bruiser (Abbey).

Congratulations, Samantha! I hope you enjoy your reign as Cat of the Year! (And maybe shove it in the others’ faces a little bit more so they have something to strive for. They really should be showing better behavior if they want to ever win Cat of the Year.)

Now. Have you figured out the best way to de-brain a corpse that you’re not sure is infected by the zombie infection? No? Well, you’d better get back to your training then. Toodles!

Happy Unofficial Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Awareness Week!!!

Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Movies and TV by

And happy new year, as well! I’ve taken a good hard look at this blog and have decided that it has morphed into something not very Marcilicious in recent months. I mean, who wants to just read about all the things I’ve done, places I’ve gone, and people I’ve seen? Right. So, I’m assuming that, like me, you’re much more interested in other things…like zombie apocalypse readiness. Or, like me, maybe you’re just missing fresh episodes of “The Walking Dead” (damn, you mid-season slump!). To lessen the withdrawal symptoms, I’ve been watching the “Resident Evil” movies, but I only watch one a week because I get DVDs one at a time from Netfarts. But at that rate, The Walking Dead will be back before I know it.

In the meantime, I’ve declared this week Unofficial Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Awareness Week! Never mind that it’s Wednesday and the week started on Sunday – it’s never to late to brush up on your zombie readiness tactics; that is, unless, you find yourself in the middle of a Level 2 zombie infestation and you are not prepared. So, really, I guess its never to *soon* to brush up on your zombie readiness tactics.


So let’s start. Take a look at Figure 1, below:

Figure 1

It’s time to make some tough decisions. When the zombie apocalypse comes a-knockin’, what will you do? Most people will ultimately serve as screaming brain-stuffed appetizers prior to the main course of screaming brain-stuffed entree. I, for one, will choose not to be in the red zone. I will not divulge my zombie resistance survival plan here, but I strongly suggest you read “The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks, poste haste! You will want to be prepared, and if you can’t be a badass (see Figure 2):

Figure 2

…or if you don’t have the resources for genius (see Figure 3):

Figure 3

…then I suggest you start reading right away. You can also attempt to desensitize yourself by watching zombie movies as well. Some of my favorites are Shaun of the Dead (of course), Tokyo Zombie, and RoboGeisha (which is not a zombie movie, but I came across it when I found Tokyo Zombie). And, because they’re worth mentioning again, Resident Evil and The Walking Dead will provide invaluable information on how to survive the zombie plague.

Good luck, my friends, let me know how things turn out for you!

Spider fun facts!

Posted in Animals, Home Life, Humor, Me Me Me!, Non-cats by

I did a little research, and within no time, I learned Shelob’s true identity: she’s a common European cross spider (Araneus diadematus). I don’t know why she came from Europe; presumably, she heard about how most of the humans on this continent are flavored with pork grease, corn syrup, and MSG. But you can see why she’s a cross spider – the white cross on her abdomen stands out clearly in the photo I took of her in my previous post.

Anyway, a couple of interesting things I learned about cross spiders. They are orb-weavers, and rebuild their large webs almost every day. Most suburban yards around here have over one hundred webs in them, which I can believe given the number of webs on our front porch alone. When creating the radial support lines for the web, the spider takes advantage of the morning winds (she often anchors them a fair distance away, so uses the wind to carry her to an anchor spot), and the orientation of the resulting web indicates the morning wind pattern.

Also, the females will perch upside down in the web (like in my pictures below) waiting for prey, and when something hits the web, she darts over, immobilizes it with venom, then wraps it up in silk. I actually saw Shelob do this with a bee a few weeks ago – she was crazy fast, and she wrapped that sucker up good and tight in no time.

But here’s what I’m really not looking forward to. In late summer and fall (now!?), the females will lay egg sacs, which hatch out about a gazillion little spiderlets that hang out in clumps then disperse after a few days. While spiderlets sound cute, you can be assured that several will reach adulthood and wreak havoc upon the local hobbit population (or whatever else that will make an appropriate substitute, since I believe Shelob consumed the last of our hobbits). I am not crazy about the prospect of finding over a hundred of these clusters in my yard any time soon:

Bleck!

I’m now thinking that telecommuting may be the way to go, permanently. I can send Chris out to get groceries and cat litter, and if he doesn’t make it back, well, I guess that means my arachnophobia-induced precautions will be validated. I haven’t seen Shelob in a few days now, but I’m sure that’s because she’s off laying egg sacs or planning something equally nefarious. I’m glad that I got some photos of her before she disappeared so that the police will have something to go on when they find, in response to a neighbor’s report about a “funny smell coming from the yellow house”, our cold lifeless bodies sucked dry and wrapped in silk.

Shit. I just read the rest of the spider website…I guess we’re coming up on Tegenaria duellica season: the season of the giant house spider, which are common in this area. And since I’m pretty sure it eats cats for between-meal snacks, I’m guessing I’m screwed.

This here is a giant house spider. Sorry, I did not get permission to use this photo, but it was the only one with a reference to scale so you can see how utterly horrifying this creature is. And our basement is likely chock-full of them.

And you thought I was kidding about Shelob…

Posted in Animals, Home Life, Humor, Me Me Me!, Non-cats by

So very wrong, you were!

On the bright side, I took these pictures with my new camera so I was able to maintain a relatively safe distance. On the down side, I think I still managed to piss her off because after a couple of minutes of invading her space she scrambled up underneath the porch rail, presumably to plot my demise and eventual consumption. So I guess that means that use of the front door (necessitating crossing into Her territory) is off limits, at least until the first frost. But maybe I’ll not take any chances and just wait things out until spring.

And the winner is…(drum roll, please)…

Posted in Animals, Cats, Humor by

Welcome to the first annual Cat of the Year Awards! Each year, the Sigman-Koski family nominates, then votes for, cats who are deserving of recognition in several categories. I know what you’re thinking: cats and accomplishments? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Well, yes, but we feel that the cats who will be recognized tonight deserve the bravado, even though they may not have accomplished much (if anything) in 2010. At the very least, the winners deserve some extra pets (scritches behind the ears and tummy squidgles will be delivered upon declaration of the winner). And at the very most, the winners may be presented with a CatAssTrophy! So ready your applause, for our award ceremony is about to commence!

Our first award tonight recognizes the cat with the Cutest Meow. Nominees are: Samantha (for her performance on top of the staircase wall), Abbey (for her displays any time you pick her up), and Momo (for her role in meowing when you look at her or reach down to pet her). And the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Momo! Momo’s high-pitched and lengthy meows are petite and exceptionally adorable, just like her! Congratulations, Momo!

Even though her meows are very expressive, Momo is also skilled in non-verbal communication. This look clearly says “WTF am I supposed to do with this?”

Our next award will go to the cat that demonstrates the Best Head-Butts. Nominees are: Jesse (for his lap-time performances) and Samantha (for her bed-time head-butt/purring dual role). And the winner for Best Head-Butts is…..Jesse! Jesse has mastered the head-butt, with variations in force, direction, and body position (he can head-butt while standing, sitting, walking, and laying down – amazing!). Way to go, Jesse!

Jesse: Head-Butt Champion! And kind of a fan of flashing his junk! What a perv!

The next award is perhaps not as glamorous, but it’s an award just the same – Most Voracious Eater / Most Susceptible to Gravity. Nominees are: Samantha (who packed on a few pounds after giving birth to her kittens) and Oliver (who can force even the most determined cat away from the food bowl in order to stuff his own kibble hole). And the Most Voracious Eater / Most Susceptible to Gravity award goes to…..Oliver! Our very own Oliver (a.k.a. “Dirt Squirrel”) will go to any length to feed both his Oedipus complex and ever-expanding stomach…he still suckles from Samantha and gorges himself silly at any and all opportunities. Congrats, Oliver!

Oliver, demonstrating that it’s not so easy for the Best Eater / Cat Most Susceptible to Gravity to squeeze into tight places.

Next up is our award for Most Cunning Cleptomaniac. The nominees are: well, there’s just one, really – Abbey! Subsequently, by default, the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Abbey! Abbey uses her adorable looks and kittenish personality to make off with a wide variety of items including gift-wrap bows, receipts from out of your purse, and even cold hard cash (we think she’s using it to support her crack habit). Upon procuring each item from even the most secure locations, Abbey dashes off with the contraband in her mouth, stashes her prize, then proceeds to shred, bat, and scuttle the object noisily across the floor while you’re trying to sleep in the wee morning hours. Quite an accomplishment, Abbey!

Abbey shows off one of the many prizes she has clepto’ed. Will she take the pills herself or trade them for crack?

Before presenting our final award, we have one more category: Best Snuggler. The nominees are: Samantha (for her performance in morning bedtime snuggling), Oliver (for his default role as fatso who collapses wherever gravity puts him), and Jesse (who has demonstrated significant accomplishments in upon-lap napping and stretching). And the CatAssTrophy goes to…..Samantha! Samantha not only knows how to try and keep you in bed longer than you ought to be, but is also quite accomplished in hair/scalp massage techniques and making muffins with her happy paws. Congratulations, Samantha!

Sam (right) demonstrates the techniques with Oliver (left) that earned her the Best Snuggler CatAssTrophy.

And now, the award you’ve all been waiting for: 2010 Cat of the Year. Excited, aren’t you? While all five cats were nominated for this achievement, some of them took themselves out of the running with ill behavior or by not giving a crap (you’re surprised we had any cats left who were worthy, huh?). Two cats rose to the top: Samantha and Jesse, for these two demonstrated a strong willingness to exhibit affection to humans, as well as other admirable qualities. Ok, we won’t keep you waiting any longer…and the winner of the 2010 Cat of the Year CatAssTrophy is…..JESSE!!! Jesse won overall cat of the year for his mild-manner, amusing meows (or croaks, really), fluffiness, adept snuggling and head-butting skills, unique ability to tame the beast (a.k.a. Abbey), and propensity for purring excessively. Jesse spent many years playing second fiddle to the late Zoe, which he passed with patience and humility. To top it off, Jesse turned 12 years old on January 3, making him the senior cat of the house! Happy birthday and congratulations, Jesse! Your picture will be featured on our “Cat of the Year” plaque, along with your name and year engraved to commemorate your accomplishment!

The rest of you felines can be jealous all you want…but I suggest you start sucking up now if you want to win any 2011 awards!

Jesse, 2010 Cat of the Year!

A New and Less Interactive Marcilicious Blog Feature!

Posted in Blogging, Humor by

Alright, folks – since my attempt at interactive blogging failed miserably (only SEVEN of you bothered to respond to my poll question about your favorite Girl Scout Cookie…for real…) I’ve decided to implement a new feature here at A Very Marcilicious Blog. It is a feature that will require much less effort on your part, aside from what energy it might take to lazily move your eyes from left to right (hell – and if that’s too much effort, just cover up one eye and use the other one) to read three lines of text. Yes, that’s right: I will be writing a weekly haiku for all my lucky readers to enjoy! You can find the weekly haiku off to the right side of this blog. The topics will be somewhat random, but feel free to leave a comment or send me an email if there’s a subject you’d especially like to see addressed with a haiku.

And for all who might’ve forgotten, a haiku is a three-line poem consisting of five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, and five again in the last. Got it? Enjoy!

Just a quickie…

Posted in Animals, Humor, Non-cats by

I *do* have some fun things to write about, but since I’m a bit pressed on time, I’ll just leave you with this gem and say happy Monday. Now I’ve got to get back to mine (Monday, that is)…enjoy!

Montana Pole Dance!