You might not believe this, but my cats are not always completely photogenic. I’d say, that on average, it requires about 10 derpy photos to get one good photo of any one of my cats. So here’s my gift to you: a gallery of my kitty derps. Don’t tell Jesse, Sam, Momo, Oliver or Abbey, because 1) they will be very embarrassed; 2) they might exact revenge by posting a gallery of Marci derps (and there are many, I tell you); and 3) they might kill me in my sleep. They have tried before; I am lucky to be here.
Category Archives: Humor
I like to write and post funny things. So I had to have a category for it, right??? If it’s funny, it will go here.
My Reputation…Dare I Say It? Yes, In Haiku Form.
Today’s post comes to you from The Daily Prompt, which asks: “Do you have a reputation? What is it, and where did it come from? Is it accurate? What do you think about it?” I have chosen to answer these questions in the form of haiku, accompanied by illustrative diagrams. Enjoy!
|Since I have five cats
And you have only one, I
state proudly, “I WIN!”
Litter in my bed,
|Two plus three is five
And I was the one with two.
Spouse: Crazy Cat Guy.
I love to snuzzle
|Clothes covered with hair,
White on black, black on white. But
I still want these pants.
“Achooo! I love you!”
|It’s 2 am; do
you really need food now? Yes,
we will starve to death.
Holy Balls! Seriously?
DO NOT PUSH THE SHINY RED BUTTON!
Words that I live by (for shame!)
At least I’m not allergic to Lucky Charms
Yesterday I was a happier person. Albeit, I was a person who sneezed and sniffled and had a nose so itchy I wanted to rip it off my face and throw it on the ground, (like so, below) but I was happier. I was a person who was not diagnosed as being allergic to anything.
Which I thought was odd, since my nose was determined to become the slimiest creature on earth, a title which is technically owned by eels, who produce the most slime per unit body mass of any other animal on earth. Why, nose, why go for such a title? How about something a little less mucousy and sneezy? I argued with my nose about the issue, but she was not having any of it. Hence, yesterday I took myself down to the allergy center to get tested so that I could potentially dash my nose’s dreams of becoming permanently disgusting.
You might notice that allergen 2 seems to be a lot angrier than the control (-) or allergen 1. Can you guess what it is that I am allergic to? I will give you five guesses (that’s your hint, btw).
So let’s start over again. Yesterday, before allergy testing, I was a happier person. When I walked into my house, this is what I used to see:
Awwwwww, right??? Look at those itty bitty kitties! So snuggly and cute (well, the white one looks a little demonic, but for the most part, they are pretty freaking adorable). WELL NOT ANYMORE, JACK, because since I’ve been allergy tested, all I see now when I walk in the door is this:
Which will inevitably lead to this:
And then this:
Or else this:
Which will obviously end up with me like this:
Until finally, I’m like:
And ultimately like this:
What’s a girl to do? How can I be a crazy cat lady AND be allergic to cats? Oh, the bitter, bitter irony. You taste like cat fur and litter box dust, all rolled up into one huge hairball of sneeze. Why, sucky immune system, why???
The good news is that I am willing to live the rest of my life taking potentially unhealthy doses of nasal steroids and antihistamines every day (or at least until all the cats die and I run out of cat refills). Also, I did not take any tests yesterday that indicated I am allergic to Lucky Charms cereal. So wow, bright side it is. Suck it, universe.
Bra Shopping: Not as titillating as I had hoped
Alright, so if you do not want to hear about my latest bra shopping adventure (which probably includes information about my own boobs), you might not want to read this post. Still reading? Ok, good. Now, the fact that YOU may or may not have boobs is irrelevant to what I’m going to talk/rant about, so don’t think that this is going to be a post entirely about how people who don’t need bras get off easy (um, which they do, just saying). NO!!! This is a post about how 1) fashion designers are glorified even though they only produce bras for a very small portion of women, and 2) anyone who doesn’t fit into that very small portion of women is SOL when it comes to buying cute underthingies, thus making us (yes, me included) feel like we are somehow not deserving of said cute underthingies.
Our story begins when I broke my bra last week. And as long as I’m being honest, I’ll admit that I have a favorite bra, a go-to bra that I wear 90% of the time. It’s not that I don’t have other bras, it’s just that this one is the most comfortable, flattering, and matches with most of my underpants. But as of last week, the METAL WIRE TORTURE APPARATUS that is apparently critical to the support system of this bra POPPED out of the side seam and commenced full-on stabbing me in the side of my left boob. So sad! And painful! But it was time to get a new bra anyway, because mine was resembling something like this, only in black:
I’m sure you’ve had a similar problem at one time or another, yes? So, I decided to bite the bullet and <gulp, I just threw up a little in my mouth> go to the mall to hunt and capture at least a couple of brassieres that could handle the challenge of lugging these old titsballs around on a daily basis. You’re probably thinking to yourself, ok, so just go to Victoria’s Secret – what’s the big deal? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS: I HATE VICTORIA’S SECRET!!! Let me count the ways:
- As soon as you step in the store, some 22 year old runs up to you and accosts you with questions about what you’re looking for and how she can help and what size are you and what sexual positions does your partner(s) like. Which would appear, at first glance, that she is just trying to be helpful and not incredibly intrusive. Upon receiving an answer of “no thanks, I’m just looking around”, she slinks off, only to be replaced by ANOTHER 22 year old who demands an answer to similar questions. And I swear to god, they will not leave you alone, unless you bring your boyfriend with you (and make sure he looks embarrassed to be there). It is not impossible that the same salesgirls that previously asked if you needed help and were turned down will come back and ask you a second or third or even fourth time. ERGGGG!!! Just leave me alone to shop for unmentionables in my own personal space bubble, okay??? Jeesh!
- While some of the merchandise at VS cute, it is, generally, of poor quality and produced in countries that don’t provide their workers with living wages.
- I very much DISLIKE how VS has been marketing to the pre-teen crowd with their PINK line for several years now. Their models look like they are 12 years old, and it’s just INAPPROPRIATE!!! So I guess that makes me an old fart.
- Getting back to the point of this post, VS carries merchandise that fits only a small portion of the population.
Let’s get down to bras(s) tacks. I have been wearing bras that are size 36-B for YEARS. The past couple of years I’ve really should have been wearing a size 38-B, but I have been avoiding making the switch for a couple of reasons, including that it was just hard to find cute bras over size 36″ anywhere (including VS, although they have a few, I’ll admit, but see issues 1-3 above). Plus, I am finally at that point in life where I’d just rather be comfortable – so bring on the size 38 bras and yoga pants. Since I had a coupon to Macy’s, I figured I’d go shopping there to see what their lingerie department could do for me. At first it wasn’t too bad, other than my head swimming at being confronted by all the double-barreled boob slings hanging everywhere. Really, after a while, they just start to look ridiculous, am I right? Anyway, right when you get to the lingerie department, the first thing you see is a wall of Calvin Klein, DKNY, and a couple of other designer brands. And they had cute stuff – all different colors, cuts and textures! So I started sorting through them and the ONLY sizes they carried were 32-36″. W.T.F.
Now, I’m not a big person, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to carry more than 3 chest sizes (granted, with multiple cup sizes). But upon investigation, all the designer brands went no larger than 36″. Grrrr – what gives? Ok, I guess I need to just bite the bullet and march on over to the non-designer brands, which actually take up the majority of the lingerie department floor. And there I am confronted with a SEA of black and nude GIGANTOR bras…mostly plain, mostly full coverage, mostly austere and penal-looking. Soooo depressing!!! Why are we, the majority of the female population who are not incredibly tiny, given so few cute underthingie options? After hunting around for a great while, I managed to find a rack of demi-bras that were deliciously soft and lacy. But still only black and nude colored. This was fine for my purposes (after all, I just needed another regular go-to bra), but it left me feeling like 1) I must be a huge person to not be able to fit into the “regular” designer brands anymore, and 2) I guess I don’t deserve to wear all the cute underthingies that our stylish, exclusive brand-name designers are making.
Well that’s just bullshit, I say…bullshit! I have a couple of recommendations for the lingerie industry, and I hope that department stores and other retailers, as well as designers, will take note (pshaw, as if!):
- If you’re a designer like Calvin Klein or DKNY, why don’t you serve more than a fraction of our population? We have a lot of money to spend on your overpriced merchandise, you know. Offering up more than 3 chest sizes (on the small end, no less) would be just grand. And stores: if fashion designers like Calvin and Klein are only catering to a few sizes, WHY reward them by putting up an exclusive display wall right at the front of the department? It just makes your customers feel shitty when they get excited about all the cute underthingies and then can’t find any in their size. Shoot those suckers to the back of the store – they don’t deserve the advantage or reward!
- Being excluded from the section of cute underthingies and being “relegated” to a sea of black or nude full-coverage bras is not fun, either. I’m sure that there are plenty of average and larger ladies who want cute underthingy options – we don’t just want to slink off in shame and hide our lady lumps in drab beige or black camouflaged utilitarian support devices all the time. Give us something fun to wear! In colors! With sparkles! And fanciness! We want to feel good about ourselves when we step out of our clothes, and fun cute underthingies can help! The key is options. We deserve cuteness, just like all those 32-36″ girls do!
That’s about all I have to say about that. Apologies for the rant, but really, I was about ready to bust some nuts on someone Saturday. And that’s just how utilitarian underwear makes me feel. Do you really want that out there in the world, Calvin Klein? Do you?
We’re pleased to announce 2013’s Cat of the Year Award…
The Grammy’s. The Emmy’s. The Golden Globes. Even the Academy Awards. They all pale in comparison to the Sigman-Koski Awards, which has one highly-coveted CATegory: that’s, right, CAT OF THE YEAR! And without further ado, the winner of the 2013 Cat of the Year Award is….
Jesse, who just turned 15 years old this past January 3rd, won paws down for being the best cat in the Sigman-Koski household during 2013. His primary talents include snuggling on the couch with humans during nap time, purring, inciting the wrath of Oliver (which mostly involves growling), and avoiding food-bowl conflicts. Congratulations, Jesse! We love you!
This might very well save my life over the next two days…
I wish I had something interesting to write about. I wish I had something interesting to think about. Unfortunately, it is Sunday evening and I am pondering what tomorrow will be like…but the answer is already too clear. I will be in a meeting from 9 to 3. First, I hate meetings. Second, I start getting angry when they go beyond an hour. Third, what’s up with no breaks??? Fourth, don’t even suggest a working lunch. Alright, here are some funny pictures to help me see my upcoming Monday in a more cheerful light. Ready? Here we go!
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